Lesson learned from Garrett Causey

sitting in theology class tonight, and loving it (no sarcasm), i decided i wanted to write a blog entry. however, instead of being inspired by the discussion on the doctrine of God, and in association the Trinity, i was motivated to write about my fellow theologian who sits adjacent to me, garrett causey.  i have really enjoyed getting to know garret in only the few short weeks of the semester. when garrett entered seminary last fall, i had all but decided i was tapped out for meeting new people and developing meaningful relationships with them. at least in seminary. this was due, in part to my busy schedule and introverted nature. also it was my fear of the dreaded end of the year people graduate and move on experience, which i hate. so i was reluctant to step out and take initiative to meet people and get to know them, including garrett.

i saw garrett around. saw him interact with others. and i remember having the conscious thought, “he seems fun and like someone i’d really like to get to know. ” but that was the extent of our relationship, for i over-road the desire to intentionally befriend him with my “no new friendships policy”.

but i cannot attribute this embargo on new relationships solely on my schedule or introverted nature, or even the fear of saying goodbye. no. that would be a cop-out. instead, to be honest, i don’t seek people out. it’s a me thing. call it a fear of rejection, but i think even that fails to properly explain it. its not that they will see me and say no i don’t like her. i’m really not worried about being “liked”. its that i see myself and ask why? why would someone care to be in relation with me? i don’t seek because i don’t see myself as worthy of being sought. again its not a matter of others being worth a friendship. its am i worth having a relationship or friendship with? what do i have to offer? what do i bring to the table that would cause one to desire the effort it takes to get to know someone and to become their friend? seeing my faults, highlighted more than anything else and more than anyone else, as humans tend to do (thanks enemy), we question our, i question my value even in the most basic sense.

now this is not jessica exposing her lack self-confidence cry for help. no. i hear myself. i know i sound dross in my own self-evaluation. and i’m inclined to tell myself what i would tell any of you, should you say these things out loud to me. first to (as a little kick in my own butt) get over it, know better, see myself for the good.…blah blah blah. then of course that i have value. i should see myself as God sees me. often used (sadly sometimes “cliché”) Scripture begins to ring in my head. you are fearfully and wonderfully made, a child of God, have the image of God. all these statements are very true, and i in no way wish to negate them. but i want to step into this lack of self-confidence and self-worth for a minuet. i don’t want to just cover it up. slap on a flesh color band-aid on and hope no one, including myself, notices.

in a way i take then psalmist’s humble question of “who is man that You are mindful of him” and turned it upon myself and related it to others. asking “who am i that you, my fellow human being, are mindful of me?” maybe i’m pushing it to the extreme but i sometimes wonder what my contributions are to others? the relationships i currently have in my life are amazing. those who i call friend, i am truly honored and privileged to get to do so. talk about God’s grace…i have some of the most incredible human beings in my life and i stand in awe as to why.

when i was a kid i struggled with friendships. really, i remember it being a hard part of my childhood. other kids had best friends or a group of friends who they were a part of, members you might say. i on the other hand did not. there were times when my social surroundings would involve me with kids my own age and for year or so i might be close to someone, but this was at best a fleeting concept. lasting only until they eventually decided we no longer had anything in common. by the time i graduated high school i had maybe two people in my life who i might consider a friend.

but in college, and since, this has began to change. relationships have developed, which can only be credited to God and His grace. but to be honest i really didn’t and sometimes still don’t know what to do with them. i didn’t/don’t know how to be a friend. i spend a lot of the time wondering when they will come to an end, or when i might do something to cause the other person to want to ‘move on’. but, for the most part, they didn’t move on. for the most part we all just grow up, together, and in a way, now as adults, still are growing up. together. now they’re getting married and having kids and wanting me to be there?! these people in my life get upset when we go periods of time without speaking. that in itself has been a new concept. maintaining communication. instead of waiting for them to contact me and invite me in, in this being in relation, in friendship, they not only want but expect me to invite them in. to let them know what is going on with me. they ask “how are you” and then get this, wait for the answer. more so when i try to dodge it, thinking they really don’t want to know, they ask again…?!? and they even say i am missed?!?!?!

i’ve treated relationships as needing to have permission to be a friend. and now as i have been given it, i struggle with how to be one. what? you WANT me to call you? you want me to invite you to go somewhere with me? you want to know what i’m thinking, why i’m upset, happy, mad, sad? you want to know the why? you actually miss…me?

“It is not good for man to be alone” – GOD, Genesis 2:18

so we were created for relation, with God and with others.

but in these relationships, that apparently i will never be able to get away from and yet doubt my existence in, i have that question of why? who am i to them, who am i to God. but the question is a beautiful thing. in a weird and mysterious i don’t have all the answers kind of way, there is an exchange that takes place.

proposition: “Who is man that You should be mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?” Ps 8:4

resolve: God is mindful of us. God does care for us. God loves us... so the exchange… we are worth His care, His mindfulness, His love. we are worth being these because He does it. its simple…right? it is His love for us that makes us lovable. the same is true with people. they love me and care for me, causing me to wonder “why?”. and although i try with all my lacking in self-confidence might to negate my own value and worth to be loved, the cause to the question is the answer. why am i valuable, because they value me, why am i loveable because i am loved.

so back to garrett, to be honest i probably wouldn’t have gotten to know him had God not placed us next to each other in a coincidental (or not) selection of seating the first day of class. but we were created for relationships right? had God not intervened, i would have greatly missed out. not only on getting to know a really genuinely awesome and caring guy who loves God and loves others, but i would have missed discovering a little more about myself. about friendships. and about God.

questions

the amount of questions i have right now seems daunting. i'd like to say most are really deep and all theological like the ones riddled out by my youth the other week…kinda glad I had the morning off leading(whew)! but yea God, what about the Jews? what about the pre-new covenant, pre-mosaic law, and pre-covenant people? and where did Jesus go while He was dead those 2 days?

its not that i don't have those. trust me i do. frustratingly plenty. and many of these lead into some God focused existential pondering about myself and life. hmm…pondering…that doesn't seem to convey the lingering aggravation and tortuous mental experience i undergo in dealing with them. and they lead to the whole…dun dun dun GOD'S WILL? eek! 

but then again i'd also just like to know how long ago my gas light came on? (see some simplicity)

but questions, yea i  have them. and in general most are for God.

but here's the thing, and i don't know when i began, but at some point i started to believe there is something wrong in having questions. at least questions for the Almighty. there's a sense of not okayness (not a word) i feel in having so many questions for my Creator. at some point He has to get annoyed, right?

here i am, the proverbial child, dangling my little legs and kicking the diver's seat, repetitively asking, "are we there yet?" and again "are we there yet?" and then again "are we there yet?" maybe it was cute at first, but now its been 27 years…is it still cute?

does maturing in my faith mean i loose the ability to ask questions? at what point does F.R.O.G ("fully rely on God") mean i cannot ask God stuff? i don't pose this question to convey a fact. no, its a confession. i'm saying, some where along the way i began to see my lack of understanding as lack of faith. saying this, in my head, i know its not true, but in my heart…? when others have questions about life and God i don't consider them faithless or lacking in devotion to Christ, Holy Spirit, or God. so what is it about me? why am i not allow to ask questions?

i know what Scripture says. i know what i'm suppose to believe. and in an attempt to have faith i've messed it up. some of the greatest promises of Scripture: "For I know the plans I have for you…" "all things work together…." Or the biggie "Trust in the LORD with all you heart and lean not on you own understanding…" are no longer words of hope but now sources of condemnation. but i did it. i spun them. i perverted their meaning within myself. i've listened to the lies and in my understanding of God's sovereignty, having questions became questioning God. this is where i pick up shame, guilt, and condemnation. i wag my own finger in my face because i have questions. result, i have questions, but cannot ask them and even having them is wrong…paradox? more so… i've allowed the enemy to create in me a hopeless situation.

hmmm….*sigh*  okay… but there's another side….this blog is about truth right…here goes…

i see my lack of understanding as weakness. there it is…pride. mmm…yea….'bout that. false humility is a tricky thing. yes, i struggle in asking God questions because of everything already mentioned. buuut i struggle with having questions because having questions means i don't know the answers. and that's where a bulk of the okayness (still not a word) lies. i'm proud. and you can include with that pride's relatives: arrogance, control, ego, vanity, pretentiousness, and self-righteousness. i'm too proud. too proud not to know. too proud to be wrong. and too proud to tell God, though He already knows, that i don't know and i want to.

there it is. guilt in asking. pride in having to. and distance from God

so how does this end…even if for the sake of this blog entry, but more so in my life, how do i settle this issue? it spins and spins in my mind... how i feel vs. what i think vs. what i know… God, how is this resolved…

this is where i was when God spoke through the book i am reading,"if you don't have questions you won't recognize the answers"

Whaaaa? did You just say its okay to ask You stuff? okay, maybe the little stuff. the stuff that doesn't question Your authority or sovereignty, Your will…but not the…"if you don't have questions you won't recognize the answers." Okay, Seriously God? even the big stuff…even the ones that question Your decision making abilities…the ones that confess we might have gone a different route,  the ones tha… "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" 


.....(regaining my breath) oh yea...that was Jesus... and He IS God, He knew the answer and HE still asked.

okay…weakness? that's not Jesus. condemned? not Jesus. He knew why and He asked. and i think it was for my sake. not totally, but some. "if you don't have questions you won't recognize the answer" if He hadn't asked the question, i wouldn't recognize the answer. take that where you will. i can write pages on the resulting answers. but right here right now...

resolve: jess, if you want answers you better start asking a lot more questions!

let's try this again

wow, its been a year. a full year, and then some, since all the eagerness and excitement of starting a blog was pushed to the side by…anything… and everything else. disappointed, yea i’d say so. but i think most people who start a blog must go through this at one point or another. maybe not... oh well, i did.

i cannot begin to sum up what i’ve learned over the past year. truth…ha yea i’ve discovered some. a great deal in fact. psh… the past week alone. but i can't sit here lamenting the fact i’ve epically failed to write. i’d like to say i’m turning over a new leaf. this is a fresh start and a new commitment of dedicated writing. again i’d like to say that, but i know better. even now as i write, i have a paper due tomorrow, 2 on thursday, not to mention 2 sermons and 3 major papers due within the month. what i can say is i’ve regained my desire to write or better yet regained my desire to share.

i think in my last attempt i felt i had to say something profound every time i sat down to write. i wanted to prove i was becoming some great theologian and was going to change the world by the work i produced. haha turth discoverey right there…not gonna happen.

instead i’ve come to the realization i have no clue what i’m talking about. at least that is to say i’m just barley figuring it out. the only thing i am sure of is there is a God. Jesus is real. and somehow, for some reason, this thing called grace has been given to me. anything more than that and i must bow out speechless.

okay that’s probably a bit mellow dramatic and yet an understatement… i’ve also learned the hebrew alphabet since my last post…

so here’s the deal. i hope to write more. i plan to write more. but i make no promises of frequency, length, subject matter, or quality. i imagine at times you will find me verbose, vague, witty, annoying, sarcastic (failed new year’s resolution), wise, contradictive, unthought-out, pessimistic, optimistic, depressed, random, euphoric, foolish, happy, condescending, prideful, sad, lacking in faith, full of doubt, overwhelmed, joyful, hopeful, inspired, enlightened, confused, frustrated, repentant, at peace, and what ever else my brain cannot think of right now that i experience within any given 15 second span of time. but mostly i hope you see me as honest, seeking, and growing.

feel free to challenge me, i might or might not answer. encourage me, again might or might not answer. or just simply join me in wonderin’ what God was thinking when He created, saved, and called me to whatever it is this life entails back on this journey for Truth. (see how I did that at the end…related it back to the title of the blog…)

Gratitude

Continuation of last week's assignment

Write a lament for Japan. Use the amount of syllables beside each line

"Gratitude"

1- JOY

2- SAYS

3- EVERYTHING

4- GENEROUS GOD

5- HEAR MY GRATITUDE

6- YOU HAVE GIVEN ME JOY

7- I HAVE NO GOOD BESIDES YOU

6- MY CUP RUNITH OVER

5- NOT JUST SALVATION

4- YOU GIVE ME JOY

3- ABUNDANT

2-FAITHFUL

       1-GOD

Lament for Japan

Today’s assignment, write a lament for Japan. Use the amount of syllables beside each line

A prayer:

1- O,

2- MOST HIGH

3- SOVEREIGN GOD

4- CREATOR LORD

5- MY PRAYER IS SIMPLE

6-DONA EIS REQUIEM (Grant them rest)

7-PIE JESU, AGNUS DEI (Merciful Jesus, Lamb of God)

6-DONA EIS REQUIEM (Grant them rest)
5- IN THEIR LAND AND HEARTS

4- SEMPITERNAM (Everlasting)

3- PACEM, O (PEACE)

2- LORD GOD

1- BE

 

Shokurie

In my Basic Evangelism class we are required talk to someone and describe the encounter of a spiritual conversation. These are our Verbatims. Verbatims should pose spiritual questions such as, “Do you ever think about what happens after you die?” “What do you think about the church and Jesus?” “Do you believe in Heaven or Hell and what do you have to do to go there?” The point and goal is to lead to a presentation of the Gospel using a method learned in class. This is my first verbatim:

On Wednesday March 1^st, I had the opportunity to meet with my friend Christy in San Rafael and travel to Dominican University with hopes of sharing the Gospel. We had met earlier that day for lunch and to discuss the campus ministry she was involved in. During lunch we discussed Dominican and the make-up of campus. I was interested in what type of campus and demographic we were working with. Dominican is a private Catholic University. Although it does have religious affiliations, it should not be considered a “Christian School.” Dominican does not differ much from most secular universities, as it attracts people of all faiths and beliefs. This was important to understand so I did not approach campus with any preconceived notions (or so I thought). Dominican has a culturally divers population of students not only from the bay area but a large amount of international students as well. There are several students from various faiths, which the University supports with their interfaith policies and events.

       Christy and I went to campus but unfortunately it was a cold, rainy, and typical dreary day in the bay area and therefore there were not as many students on campus as I had hoped for. We set out with bottles of water, canvassing the campus, and praying God would to lead us to people to talk to. The bottles of water were conversation starters. Going out on campus and talking with students is not new for Christy. She enjoys going around campus with water bottles, giving them away to people that are willing to ask her a question about the bible.  This allows her to start a conversation and physically have something to offer someone (icebreaker). This gets their attention while focusing her conversation on Jesus or God. She first obtained this idea from another group that would go around advertising “Beer and Bible,” where students went around campus offering root beer for questions about the bible. 

       As we walked around campus, it became apparent there were not going to be a lot of people to talk with since it was raining. Those that were outside were walking in haste from one point to the next. It was not a great environment to stop people out of the blue and carry on religious conversations. So we began to pray, asking God if there was some one on campus we were to speak with that He would lead us to them and give us the opportunity to stop and have a quality conversation. Only a few moments passed when we came to a bus stop with one lone student crouched by the curb.

       As we approached the potential passenger my stomach began to get the butterflies and questions raced through my head. What if He rejected us? What if we annoyed him? What if he challenged us? But what if he actually listened to us? More so what if God actually used this very moment to radically change this guy’s life and call him as a believer? I had about a million questions and before I knew it we were going through introductions.

His name was Shokurie. At least I believe that is correct, because he did not speak good English. In fact he spoke very little English at all. He was from Japan and was at Dominican studying English (makes sense). It was soon pretty clear the one question I had not thought of was the one thing that was going to stand in the way, “what if he doesn’t speak English?” He was extremely nice and shy, and he wanted to talk.

I’m sure two white girls walking up and starting a conversation was not something he expected that day, but in looking back it kind of made our job easy. There were no expectations. It was extremely easy to offer him the water and tell him that we were giving it out if he would ask us a question about the Bible. Now I really like this approach to evangelism. I find most people are not too offended by the Bible at least not if they are given the opportunity to ask anything they want about it. But I do think more people become defensive once you bring up the name of Jesus.

So when Christy asked him if he had a question about the Bible I wasn’t nervous. But then I noticed something I did not expect. He just stared at us. Not that he didn’t want to answer, he didn’t understand what we were asking. He didn’t know what the Bible was. Christy asked, “Have you ever heard of the Bible?” He shook his head no. “Wow” I thought to myself, “hmm, okay this should be interesting. Well maybe he just doesn’t understand what we mean by Bible.” Just then Christy asked, “Have you ever heard of God and Jesus? Have you ever heard the name of Jesus?” I thought “Certainly he’s heard of God. Surly at least heard the name ‘Jesus’…I mean its Jesus!” My heart sank so low when he answered, “No, I don’t know that name.”

Okay so I have never really thought of myself a naive about things in this world. Yes I know I lack perspective on some things, but I’m not naive. But I was floored. Here I was, standing in America, on a University Campus, a place of higher education, knowledge, and learning, in the most advanced “Christian” nation in the world and there is someone who more than doesn’t know who Jesus is, HE HAS NEVER HEARD HIS NAME! I truly fought back the tears as Christy handed him the water bottle. There was obviously going to be a huge language barrier but before I could catch my breath from the initial shock of our interaction, he was on the bus and the opportunity was over.

Did we fail? I hope not! Did we plant a seed? Will he go and ask someone who Jesus is? Will he ask for a Bible? I pray so! But my biggest fear is, will he just forget about us and go on? I was so frustrated. Never had I wanted to know Japanese more in my life. Never had I wanted to be able to speak in tongues more. Never was I so shocked at the lost-ness of our world, our county, this county and city, than I was at that moment. I don’t know if it was a success. I pray it was. I pray it was a seed that God will grow to go back to Japan to tell more people about Jesus.

We were not able to share the gospel with anyone that day. Shokurie was the only person on campus that we were able to approach. I think God had us speak to him and only him for a very specific purpose. What? I don’t know. I do know I learned a great deal out of the encounter. I cannot take anything for granted as a minister of the Gospel of Christ. I cannot assume everyone knows Jesus, even if by name here in the U.S.

 On my next attempt on sharing I will take into account the weather but I will also go into it with little to no expectations other than to be lead by the Holy Spirit. I do think it is an interesting way to start my verbatims. I think I will not be as afraid to say the name of Jesus. I cannot imagine how I would have felt if I had allowed fear to keep me from saying the name of Christ to Shokurie. I would have never gotten over the missed opportunity knowing what I know now. But we don’t always get that opportunity to know. I wonder how often I have already missed that chance. Who has passed by and not know known Christ or God. I pray God will use this brief encounter with Shokurie to lead him to a relationship with Jesus. I also pray that God will use this encounter with Shokurie to remind me that the Gospel is to be told to everyone as the “Good News” and that I should not shy away from it because it could be the first time some one is hearing it…even in America.

Please join me in praying for Shokurie and that God opens all our eyes to lost-ness

“How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?" Romans 10:14

7 Sentence Biography

Okay so I know I haven't posted in a while...trust me that has been very frustrating. It’s hard to find time to sit and write, when I struggle to find time to sit and think. But I had the opportunity to do an assignment in my Spiritual Formations class, which forced me to write one of the shortest autobiographies I have written. I thought I would share...

Guidelines: 7 sentences, each beginning with the following phrases:

• "Once upon a time..."
• "And every day..."
• " Until one day..."
• "because of that"
• "and because of that"
• "until finally"
• "and ever since then"

The story picks up about a year and a half ago...

Once upon a time there was a girl who thought she had life pretty much figured, she knew what she wanted. And every day she worked towards achieving the desires she thought where in her heart. Until one day she realized she no longer knew what desires her heart held. Because of that she asked God to reveal the true desires of her heart. And because of that act of surrender, God began to change her entire life, redirecting her path towards people and places she never imagined she'd encounter. Until finally she began to understand and embrace the new desires as ones which God created for her, trusting Him to lead instead of figuring it out on her own. And ever since then, she's found excitement in the unknown and peace in being known by the One who has given her direction and purpose.