sitting in theology class tonight, and loving it (no sarcasm), i
decided i wanted to write a blog entry. however, instead of being inspired by
the discussion on the doctrine of God, and in association the Trinity, i was
motivated to write about my fellow theologian who sits adjacent to me, garrett
causey. i have really enjoyed getting to know garret in only the few
short weeks of the semester. when garrett entered seminary last fall, i had all
but decided i was tapped out for meeting new people and developing meaningful
relationships with them. at least in seminary. this was due, in part to my busy
schedule and introverted nature. also it was my fear of the dreaded end of the
year people graduate and move on experience, which i hate. so i was reluctant
to step out and take initiative to meet people and get to know them, including
garrett.
i saw garrett around. saw him interact with others. and i
remember having the conscious thought, “he seems fun and like someone i’d
really like to get to know. ” but that was the extent of our relationship, for
i over-road the desire to intentionally befriend him with my “no new
friendships policy”.
but i cannot attribute this embargo on new relationships solely
on my schedule or introverted nature, or even the fear of saying goodbye. no.
that would be a cop-out. instead, to be honest, i don’t seek people out. it’s a
me thing. call it a fear of rejection, but i think even that fails to properly
explain it. its not that they will see me and say no i don’t like her. i’m really
not worried about being “liked”. its that i see myself and ask why? why would
someone care to be in relation with me? i don’t seek because i don’t see myself
as worthy of being sought. again its not a matter of others being worth a
friendship. its am i worth having a relationship or friendship with? what do i have
to offer? what do i bring to the table that would cause one to desire the effort
it takes to get to know someone and to become their friend? seeing my faults,
highlighted more than anything else and more than anyone else, as humans tend
to do (thanks enemy), we question our, i question my value even in the most
basic sense.
now this is not jessica exposing her lack self-confidence cry
for help. no. i hear myself. i know i sound dross in my own self-evaluation.
and i’m inclined to tell myself what i would tell any of you, should you say
these things out loud to me. first to (as a little kick in my own butt) get
over it, know better, see myself for the good.…blah blah blah. then of course
that i have value. i should see myself as God sees me. often used (sadly
sometimes “cliché”) Scripture begins to ring in my head. you are fearfully and
wonderfully made, a child of God, have the image of God. all these statements
are very true, and i in no way wish to negate them. but i want to step into
this lack of self-confidence and self-worth for a minuet. i don’t want to just
cover it up. slap on a flesh color band-aid on and hope no one, including
myself, notices.
in a way i take then psalmist’s humble question of “who is man
that You are mindful of him” and turned it upon myself and related it to
others. asking “who am i that you, my fellow human being, are mindful of me?”
maybe i’m pushing it to the extreme but i sometimes wonder what my
contributions are to others? the relationships i currently have in my life are
amazing. those who i call friend, i am truly honored and privileged to get to
do so. talk about God’s grace…i have some of the most incredible human beings
in my life and i stand in awe as to why.
when i was a kid i struggled with friendships. really, i
remember it being a hard part of my childhood. other kids had best friends or a
group of friends who they were a part of, members you might say. i on the other
hand did not. there were times when my social surroundings would involve me
with kids my own age and for year or so i might be close to someone, but this was
at best a fleeting concept. lasting only until they eventually decided we no
longer had anything in common. by the time i graduated high school i had maybe two
people in my life who i might consider a friend.
but in college, and since, this has began to change.
relationships have developed, which can only be credited to God and His grace.
but to be honest i really didn’t and sometimes still don’t know what to do with
them. i didn’t/don’t know how to be a friend. i spend a lot of the time
wondering when they will come to an end, or when i might do something to cause
the other person to want to ‘move on’. but, for the most part, they didn’t move
on. for the most part we all just grow up, together, and in a way, now as
adults, still are growing up. together. now they’re getting married and having
kids and wanting me to be there?! these people in my life get upset when we go
periods of time without speaking. that in itself has been a new concept.
maintaining communication. instead of waiting for them to contact me and invite
me in, in this being in relation, in friendship, they not only want but expect
me to invite them in. to let them know what is going on with me. they ask “how
are you” and then get this, wait for the answer. more so when i try to dodge
it, thinking they really don’t want to know, they ask again…?!? and they even
say i am missed?!?!?!
i’ve treated relationships as needing to have permission to be a
friend. and now as i have been given it, i struggle with how to be one. what?
you WANT me to call you? you want me to invite you to go somewhere with me? you
want to know what i’m thinking, why i’m upset, happy, mad, sad? you want to know
the why? you actually miss…me?
“It is not good for man to be alone” – GOD, Genesis 2:18
so we were created for relation, with God and with others.
but in these relationships, that apparently i will never be able
to get away from and yet doubt my existence in, i have that question of why?
who am i to them, who am i to God. but the question is a beautiful thing. in a
weird and mysterious i don’t have all the answers kind of way, there is an
exchange that takes place.
proposition: “Who is man that You should be mindful of him, the
son of man that you care for him?” Ps 8:4
resolve: God is mindful of us. God does care for us. God loves
us... so the exchange… we are worth His care, His mindfulness, His love. we are
worth being these because He does it. its simple…right? it is His love for us
that makes us lovable. the same is true with people. they love me and care for
me, causing me to wonder “why?”. and although i try with all my lacking in
self-confidence might to negate my own value and worth to be loved, the cause
to the question is the answer. why am i valuable, because they value me, why am
i loveable because i am loved.
so back to garrett, to be honest i probably wouldn’t have gotten
to know him had God not placed us next to each other in a coincidental (or not)
selection of seating the first day of class. but we were created for relationships
right? had God not intervened, i would have greatly missed out. not only on
getting to know a really genuinely awesome and caring guy who loves God and
loves others, but i would have missed discovering a little more about myself.
about friendships. and about God.
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