questions

the amount of questions i have right now seems daunting. i'd like to say most are really deep and all theological like the ones riddled out by my youth the other week…kinda glad I had the morning off leading(whew)! but yea God, what about the Jews? what about the pre-new covenant, pre-mosaic law, and pre-covenant people? and where did Jesus go while He was dead those 2 days?

its not that i don't have those. trust me i do. frustratingly plenty. and many of these lead into some God focused existential pondering about myself and life. hmm…pondering…that doesn't seem to convey the lingering aggravation and tortuous mental experience i undergo in dealing with them. and they lead to the whole…dun dun dun GOD'S WILL? eek! 

but then again i'd also just like to know how long ago my gas light came on? (see some simplicity)

but questions, yea i  have them. and in general most are for God.

but here's the thing, and i don't know when i began, but at some point i started to believe there is something wrong in having questions. at least questions for the Almighty. there's a sense of not okayness (not a word) i feel in having so many questions for my Creator. at some point He has to get annoyed, right?

here i am, the proverbial child, dangling my little legs and kicking the diver's seat, repetitively asking, "are we there yet?" and again "are we there yet?" and then again "are we there yet?" maybe it was cute at first, but now its been 27 years…is it still cute?

does maturing in my faith mean i loose the ability to ask questions? at what point does F.R.O.G ("fully rely on God") mean i cannot ask God stuff? i don't pose this question to convey a fact. no, its a confession. i'm saying, some where along the way i began to see my lack of understanding as lack of faith. saying this, in my head, i know its not true, but in my heart…? when others have questions about life and God i don't consider them faithless or lacking in devotion to Christ, Holy Spirit, or God. so what is it about me? why am i not allow to ask questions?

i know what Scripture says. i know what i'm suppose to believe. and in an attempt to have faith i've messed it up. some of the greatest promises of Scripture: "For I know the plans I have for you…" "all things work together…." Or the biggie "Trust in the LORD with all you heart and lean not on you own understanding…" are no longer words of hope but now sources of condemnation. but i did it. i spun them. i perverted their meaning within myself. i've listened to the lies and in my understanding of God's sovereignty, having questions became questioning God. this is where i pick up shame, guilt, and condemnation. i wag my own finger in my face because i have questions. result, i have questions, but cannot ask them and even having them is wrong…paradox? more so… i've allowed the enemy to create in me a hopeless situation.

hmmm….*sigh*  okay… but there's another side….this blog is about truth right…here goes…

i see my lack of understanding as weakness. there it is…pride. mmm…yea….'bout that. false humility is a tricky thing. yes, i struggle in asking God questions because of everything already mentioned. buuut i struggle with having questions because having questions means i don't know the answers. and that's where a bulk of the okayness (still not a word) lies. i'm proud. and you can include with that pride's relatives: arrogance, control, ego, vanity, pretentiousness, and self-righteousness. i'm too proud. too proud not to know. too proud to be wrong. and too proud to tell God, though He already knows, that i don't know and i want to.

there it is. guilt in asking. pride in having to. and distance from God

so how does this end…even if for the sake of this blog entry, but more so in my life, how do i settle this issue? it spins and spins in my mind... how i feel vs. what i think vs. what i know… God, how is this resolved…

this is where i was when God spoke through the book i am reading,"if you don't have questions you won't recognize the answers"

Whaaaa? did You just say its okay to ask You stuff? okay, maybe the little stuff. the stuff that doesn't question Your authority or sovereignty, Your will…but not the…"if you don't have questions you won't recognize the answers." Okay, Seriously God? even the big stuff…even the ones that question Your decision making abilities…the ones that confess we might have gone a different route,  the ones tha… "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" 


.....(regaining my breath) oh yea...that was Jesus... and He IS God, He knew the answer and HE still asked.

okay…weakness? that's not Jesus. condemned? not Jesus. He knew why and He asked. and i think it was for my sake. not totally, but some. "if you don't have questions you won't recognize the answer" if He hadn't asked the question, i wouldn't recognize the answer. take that where you will. i can write pages on the resulting answers. but right here right now...

resolve: jess, if you want answers you better start asking a lot more questions!

let's try this again

wow, its been a year. a full year, and then some, since all the eagerness and excitement of starting a blog was pushed to the side by…anything… and everything else. disappointed, yea i’d say so. but i think most people who start a blog must go through this at one point or another. maybe not... oh well, i did.

i cannot begin to sum up what i’ve learned over the past year. truth…ha yea i’ve discovered some. a great deal in fact. psh… the past week alone. but i can't sit here lamenting the fact i’ve epically failed to write. i’d like to say i’m turning over a new leaf. this is a fresh start and a new commitment of dedicated writing. again i’d like to say that, but i know better. even now as i write, i have a paper due tomorrow, 2 on thursday, not to mention 2 sermons and 3 major papers due within the month. what i can say is i’ve regained my desire to write or better yet regained my desire to share.

i think in my last attempt i felt i had to say something profound every time i sat down to write. i wanted to prove i was becoming some great theologian and was going to change the world by the work i produced. haha turth discoverey right there…not gonna happen.

instead i’ve come to the realization i have no clue what i’m talking about. at least that is to say i’m just barley figuring it out. the only thing i am sure of is there is a God. Jesus is real. and somehow, for some reason, this thing called grace has been given to me. anything more than that and i must bow out speechless.

okay that’s probably a bit mellow dramatic and yet an understatement… i’ve also learned the hebrew alphabet since my last post…

so here’s the deal. i hope to write more. i plan to write more. but i make no promises of frequency, length, subject matter, or quality. i imagine at times you will find me verbose, vague, witty, annoying, sarcastic (failed new year’s resolution), wise, contradictive, unthought-out, pessimistic, optimistic, depressed, random, euphoric, foolish, happy, condescending, prideful, sad, lacking in faith, full of doubt, overwhelmed, joyful, hopeful, inspired, enlightened, confused, frustrated, repentant, at peace, and what ever else my brain cannot think of right now that i experience within any given 15 second span of time. but mostly i hope you see me as honest, seeking, and growing.

feel free to challenge me, i might or might not answer. encourage me, again might or might not answer. or just simply join me in wonderin’ what God was thinking when He created, saved, and called me to whatever it is this life entails back on this journey for Truth. (see how I did that at the end…related it back to the title of the blog…)